Now this may seem obvious as I write it, however I see so often, little ways in which adults teach children to be responsible for them. One being how adults openly express how their child’s actions make them feel certain ways and though this may seem harmless, I can assure you that when it occurs consistently, it’s not.

“You made me angry – I feel sad when you hit your sister.” When we say these things we are not only showing children they have power over us, but also that they are responsible for our feelings and they most certainly are not. When this happens, children learn to mould their behaviour to ensure they avoid ‘making us upset’ and they also learn to rely on others for their happiness and sense of self-worth.

As adults, it is solely our responsibility to take accountability for all of our own feelings. Even if we do not know how, we have the ability to regulate and control our feelings, whereas children do not. If we are feeling upset, by all means it is okay to express that, but we do not need to imply it is a child’s fault. Even if we don’t directly blame a child for how we feel, when we explain that a child’s action has led us to feel this way, we send a message that it is their fault.

We can take that opportunity to show our child how we manage that emotion instead. “I’m feeling angry right now, so I am going to take some deep breaths.” I realize this may not make sense to some of you; some of you may be thinking ‘I’m just trying to teach my child to be considerate and empathetic.’ Of course I absolutely encourage this, after all, being open about our feelings builds emotional intelligence, but there are more appropriate ways to do this. Using children and animals is best for this, as they too are vulnerable just as your child is. If we are ever going to succeed in preventing children to become over responsible, people pleasing beings, we as a society need to stop encouraging children to feel responsible for our feelings.

I’m sure none of you reading this want your kid to learn that putting other peoples needs ahead of their own is okay. Therefore I invite you to become conscious of how you are speaking to your child – make it your mission to pay close attention when strong and unpleasant feelings arise, and if it has been provoked from your child’s actions, do your best to refrain from explaining why. Of course no-one is perfect, and there will be times you may slip up, but the important thing here is to try your best.